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Should that person apologize for being plus-size in this world? Should I? When I came out, I was excited to live in a time with plenty of dating apps for people like me to meet one another.

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I was naive then. I did not yet realize that once people saw my picture—my round, grinning face, thick glasses, oversized T-shirt and pants—they immediately marked me as undesirable.

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Hundreds of men rejected and ignored me, or even mocked me for having the nerve to ask them out. From my observations over the years, gay men can be very unforgiving when it comes to judging different body types that people have—even more so than straight men.

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Many gay men spend a lot of time in the gym hoping to look like ancient Greek gods someday. Your fashion sense and how you carry yourself matter too, especially in big cities like Jakarta. But maybe because looking for approval is something that comes naturally in me, I need affirmations too sometimes. I think many people will agree.

I got in touch with other gay men to learn what their journey to self love is like. I have always been undermined because of my appearance. Once, someone called me ugly to my face. Other people have eagerly asked to meet in real life but once we did, they looked for any excuse to get out of the date.

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